80 thoughts on “FREE Ex-Ses Give Away!”

  • Locutuz

    A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

    Reply
  • Nick

    A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, "You should've been here at 8:30!"

    The guy replies, "Why? What happened at 8:30?"

    Reply
  • HerbalSam

    A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed.

    "Have you any last requests? asked the chaplain.

    "Yes," replied the murderer. "Will you hold my hand?"

    Reply
  • Rod

    Jack Bauer joke:

    Kim Bauer lost her virginity. Jack Bauer found it, and put it back!

    Reply
  • Tom

    What do you call ghosts who scare talkshow hosts?

    Phantom of the Oprah...

    Reply
  • Jen

    This bloke is flying his hot air balloon over southern Ireland and he is completely lost. He looks down and sees a bloke fishing on a lake, so he shouts down, "hello, could you please tell me where I am?"
    And Paddy shouts up, "you can't fool me, mister, you're in that fuckin' basket."

    Reply
  • Dr. Bengele

    Once there was this hunter, out in the forest, hunting bears.

    As the hunter approached a clearing in the forest, he saw a bear. One of the biggest bears he'd ever seen. So he crouches down behind a largish rock, takes careful aim with his shotgun, and fires. After the smoke clears, he runs down tothe clearing, and the bear's body is gone!

    He searches the clearing, but to no avail. Then there's a tap-tap-tap on his shoulder. The hunter looks around, and it's the bear! "You just tried to kill me, didn't you?". Says the bear."Uh, no. No I didn't". The hunter, taken aback by a talking bear, lies."Yes you did. Don't lie, or I'll rip your arms off" "Uh, yeah, yeah I did." "Alright", says, the bear, "I'll let you go if you do one thing for me." "What's that?", inquires the hunter. "Give me a head-job." "What??" "On your knees" So, the hunter obliges, and leaves the clearing.

    Well, the hunter's pissed-off. "Humiliated by a bear!", he thinks to himself. "I'll teach that bastard". He runs to the local town, and buys an Uzi sub-machine gun, and runs back to the clearing. The bear is still there, basking in the sun. "I've got you now, bear", the hunter says to himself, andopens fire from behind the rock.

    Again, after the smoke clears, the hunter runs down to the clearing. No bear. Tap-tap-tap on his shoulder. Gulp. "You just tried to kill me again, didn't you?". Says the bear. "Uh, no. No I didn't", lies the hunter. "Yes you did. Don't lie, or I'll rip your legs off" "Ok! I did." "Alright", says, the bear, "I'll let you go if you do one thing for me." "What's that?", inquires the hunter. "Drop your pants and bend over" "No way!" "Ok. Prepare to get your legs ripped off." "Alright! I'll do it, you bastard" So, the hunter obliges, and leaves the clearing, walking rather gingerly.

    "I'll fucking get the bastard this time", the hunter thinks to himself, and buys a rocket launcher. He runs back to the clearing, and blasts everything into oblivion. Trees are on fire, rocks are broken, the ground is scorched. Again, after the smoke clears, the hunter runs down to the clearing. No bear.

    Tap-tap-tap on his shoulder. Gulp. "You're not here for the hunting, are you?", says the bear.


    PS. Yeah, its quite "tl;dr" material, but it is funny, so read it..

    Reply
  • Pepe

    A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes Officer?"

    "What are you doing?" the policeman asked. "What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine." Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?" The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting."

    "And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man. "I'm nineteen," he replied. "And how old is she?" asked the officer. The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be sixteen."

    Reply
  • Rory

    What do a blonde and KFC have in common? After you're done with the breast and the thigh, all you have left is a greasy bucket to stick your bone into!

    Reply
  • Dennis

    I got 3 for yaa....

    Q. What is the difference between a politician and a stoner?

    A. A politician doesn't inhale....they just suck.


    Q. What's the difference between a police car and a porcupine?

    A. Porcupines have pricks on the outside


    Q. How do you get a one-armed hippie out of a tree?

    A. Pass him a Joint

    Reply
  • BePower

    Man to a woman: Do you know the difference between a blowjob

    and a cheeseburger is?

    Woman: No

    Man: Lets have lunch sometime...

    Reply
  • Alex

    A pothead is walking through the desert and trips over a lamp and a genie pops out of it. The genie grants the pothead two wishes instead of the traditional three for tripping over his lamp, so anyways the pothead says "I wish for a joint that never ends." and *POOF* in his hand is a joint. He lights it and it is quality herb and he is high within seconds but the joint just keeps regenerating itself. After a while the genie gets impatient and asks the pothead what his second wish is. The pothead says, "Damn, this thing is great. I want another one."

    Reply
  • Marius

    A young man and woman on LSD started to have sex in a dark forest. After 15 minutes the man said:
    "I can't see what I'm doing. I wish I had a flashlight, or nightvision."
    The woman said:
    "Yeah, so do I. You've been eating grass for the past 10 minutes."

    Reply
  • blkmmba

    what did the man say after his wife jumped on him and told him to "make her feel like a woman again"?

    here bitch, iron this.

    Reply
  • Hamish Shearer
    Hamish Shearer June 30, 2009 at 5:01 pm

    A member of the irish secret service was given a mission to blow up a car but only managed to burn his lips on the exhaust.

    I used to think an itchy fanny was a japanese motorbike

    I have a brother with a rabbit up his arse, his name is Warren.

    its the way I tell em lol

    Reply
  • Deejaavuu

    Q: What do you get if you swallow 10 kilos of cement?
    A: Stoned.

    Reply
  • ross

    jesus walks into a hotel bar , hands the inkeeper 3 nails and says can you put me up for the night ?

    Reply
  • Phil

    A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.

    Upon getting home he shows his wife the purchase he just made. "Olympic condoms?", she blurts, "What makes them so special?" "They're in three colours", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."

    "What colour are you going to wear tonight?", she asks cheekily. "Gold of course", says the man proudly!

    The wife responds wryly, "Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!".

    Reply
  • ant

    What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?

    Nothing you ain't told the bitch twice already

    Reply
  • Weed_n00n

    A man was driving when a traffic camera flashed. He thought his picture was taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though he knew he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. He thought this was quite funny, so he slowed down even further as he drove past the area, but the traffic camera flashed yet again. He tried a fourth time with the same result. The fifth time he was laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past at a snail's pace.

    Two weeks later, he got five traffic fine letters in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

    Reply
  • Theo

    Uhh....in the first joke, change "Jewish boy" to "German boy".

    Reply
  • Wes Savage

    What is the hardest thing about roller-blading?

    Telling your dad you’re gay.

    Reply
  • Christine

    Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: “Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.”

    Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.”

    Holmes said: “and what do you deduce from that?”

    Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life.”

    And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”

    Reply
  • Jennifer Bluett
    Jennifer Bluett June 30, 2009 at 5:34 pm

    Men are like toilets
    They are either engaged, vacant, or full of crap!

    Reply
  • Tom McRae

    What do you do if you find a trumpet growing in your garden?



    Root it oot.

    Reply
  • Sarah Ringsell
    Sarah Ringsell June 30, 2009 at 5:49 pm

    Who makes more money a hooker or a drug dealer?
    A hooker, because she can just watch her crack and use it again.

    What’s the difference between a drunk and a stoner?
    A drunk drives through the stop sign... a stoner waits for it to turn green.

    Reply
  • andrew haigh

    what do you call it when all the men watching a strip show become aroused? a general erection

    Reply
  • Rob

    Did you hear about the man who took Viagra and a laxative at the same time?

    He didn't know if he was coming or going!

    Reply
  • Lewis

    Whats BROWN and RHYMES with SNOOP. .......... Nope the answer isnt POOP........... Yep thats right DR DRE

    Reply
  • Kelvin

    Why did the scarecrow win the nobel prize?

    Because he was out-standing in his field!!

    Reply
  • kevin estabrook
    kevin estabrook June 30, 2009 at 6:32 pm

    what is the speed of sex? 68 beacuse if you go 68 you will blow a rod

    Reply
  • Lexy

    (Sorry for bad spelling or grammar in english)

    An american soldier in Afghanistan got a letter from his girlfriend:

    "Dear David.
    I am so sorry, but we can't go on being a couple. The distance between us is to far. I also must confess that I have been cheating on you, twice. I'm really sorry.

    /Annie

    Ps. Please send back the photo I gave you."


    First David felt very sad, then he collected pictures of his mates girlfriends, mothers, cousins and aunts. Together with 34 pictures of different women he sent the photo of Annie back. He also wrote a short message:

    "Dear Annie
    I'm sorry but I have forgotten who you are. Please take the picture of you and send the others back.

    Ciao//David"

    Reply
  • PhilipHand

    Q: What do you call it when a roach burns your shirt? A: A pot hole!

    oh, just send me of to the punitentiary.

    Reply
  • Matt Redmer

    Two rednecks walkin down a dirt road.....first guy sees a dog lickin away at his balls....turns to other redneck says "God I wish I could do that"....Second guy says "why all he'll do is bite ya"

    Reply
  • nick

    A bloke is sat at a bar when he sees this gorgeous woman waiting for her date. He decides to go over and chat her up.

    'I think you're wasting your time, I'm only interested in women' said the woman.

    'Oh come on, I bet I can change your mind' said the bloke. After ten minutes of the bloke pestering her, she had had enough.

    'OK' said the woman 'I'll sleep with you if you can do anything for me that my vibrator can't!'

    'OK, barman get this lady a drink' he said. 'let's see your vibrator do that?'

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    A guy is walking past a bus stop and says to a woman
    "Can I smell your [email protected]?"

    "[email protected] off, no you can't smell my [email protected]!" the woman yells back at him,

    "Oh" he replies, looking slightly confused, "it must be your feet then".

    Reply
  • Dym

    Do you know what you get when you play a country song backward? You get your job back, you get your house back, your wife back, your truck back ...

    Winter's coming and a squirrel forget to hide some supplies to go through winter. The squirrel dies. What is funny about this? THE SQUIRREL IS DEAD!

    Reply
  • chelle

    how do u make lady ga ga cry??
    poke her face!! tee heee!

    Reply
  • Dustin Melton
    Dustin Melton June 30, 2009 at 7:06 pm

    A woman is in bed with her lover when she hears a car stop outside the house.
    "Shit! It's my husband! Hide in the cupboard!" she says to her lover.
    Her son Johnny pokes his head round the door. "Mummy, what are you doing with that man?"
    "Oh crap" says the woman, "he'll have seen everything. Hide him in the cupboard with you."

    Inside the cupboard, Johnny begins to feel scared.
    "Gee, it's real dark in here. I'm gonna scream!"
    "No!" whispers the lover, "I'll give you ten quid if you don't scream."
    "Gee, it's real dark in here. I'm gonna scream!"
    "No! I'll give you fifty quid if you don't scream."
    Johnny accepts it and stays quiet.

    The next day Johnny is in town with his mother when he sees a bike in a shop window. He says to his mother, "Hey! Can I buy that bike? I've got £50 to pay for it!"

    Of course his mother is suspicious, and says "Where did you get that money? Tell me!"

    Johnny stays quiet, so his mother takes him to confession, where he can tell the priest where he got it.

    "Gee, it's real dark in here. I'm gonna scream!" says Johnny in the booth.

    The priest grimaces. "Let's not start THAT again."

    Reply
  • Josh Cox

    your mum is so stupid she tried to drown a fish!
    your mum is so stupid she wet her self in the toilet!
    your mum is so stupid she starved to death in co-op!

    Reply
  • oliver elliott
    oliver elliott June 30, 2009 at 7:26 pm

    a guy walks into a library and orders a book on suicide
    the librarian turns around and says get lost
    YOU WONT BRING IT BACK
    thanks x

    Reply
  • Markyt69

    What time does Andy Murray go to bed?

    10'ish

    Reply
  • Ironside

    Due to worries about organised crime, police and public officials in Amsterdam are going to shut down many of the cities famous brothels and coffee shops.
    I think this is a really bad idea - it's going to cause more unemployment, and in these tough times they may be forced to turn to desperate measures to survive.... like prostitution and selling drugs.

    Reply
  • BlueberryJoJo
    BlueberryJoJo June 30, 2009 at 7:46 pm

    Q. How many pancakes does it take to build a doghouse?
    A. None. Alligators can't fly.

    Reply
  • BlueberryJoJo
    BlueberryJoJo June 30, 2009 at 7:53 pm

    Confucious Quotes

    Man who drop watch in toilet bound to have shitty time.
    Man who stand on toilet high on pot.
    Man who smoke pot choke on handle.
    Man who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok.
    Man who have women on ground have piece on earth.
    Man who run behind car get exhausted.
    Take many nails to make a crib but one screw to fill it.
    Man who go to bed with itchy ass wake up with sticky fingers.

    Reply
  • Voltron

    knock knock

    Who's there?

    Amanda

    Amanda who?

    Amanda to fix your stove!

    that was a horrible joke.

    Reply
  • oxo

    whats black and white and read all over....

    a newspaper :P HAHAHAHA!

    -KaPow

    Reply
  • johan

    What goes "Clip clop, clip clop,clip clop, bang!, clippettyclopclippettyclopclippetty....?


    An Amish drive-by!.

    Reply
  • bryston

    two sausages are laying in a fry pan, one sausage looks at the other and says, "Boy its hot in here." the other sausage replies, "AHH TALKING SAUSAGE!!"

    Reply
  • Darkeligos

    What do you call a stoner who does not inhale?

    Mr. President

    Oh wait...

    Reply
  • EldestLarr

    Whats the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian...
    Ones a snack cracker and the other one is a crack snacker.

    Reply
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